Okay so it's been ages since I've posted- I'm JUST starting to settle into a routine with Huckleberry and my obsessions with online shopping and cooking are making the man broke and fat... so I've been "encouraged" to find other outlets for my bootcamp inspired energy haha...
In case anyone was wondering about my labour results- I went 38 hours without drugs- with my doula (Corinne was the best thing we did!) and it was actually doable... It involved a lot of walking up and down the hallways doing squats, yelling obscenely, and naked groaning shower scenes (all shame is lost when people you met 5 seconds earlier are elbow deep in your blood and guts) but wasn't as bad as I expected. In fact I KNOW I could have handled it if it would have been a bit shorter. But at 38 hours I hadn't dilated a cm in over 3 hours so they said they wanted to see the fetal monitor... I agreed and was promptly forced to lay on my back on a bed. At which point the contractions became waaay worse (gravity is our friend ladies-just don't tell your hooters) and the fact that I hadn't slept for more than 12 minutes in the past two days took it's toll. Junkies have more decorum than I did in asking for the drugs. When the anesthesiologist came in the room it was like the second coming of Christ. He briefly tries to scare the shit out of you with words about "accidental reverse spinal taps" and "week long screaming migraine" side effects. Who cares buddy? I would have offered to chew off my own feet (if I wasn't so tired) to get that epidural. Sweet, sweet elixir epidural...
After another three hours I finally got to 10 cm and had to push... FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF- it was the hardest work I've ever had to do. I can't think of anything witty here. It was hard. I grunted, sweat and worked like a Mexican pack mule. Why does no one tell you how hard that is??? Hey "What to Expect When You're Expecting"? Go fuck yourself.
Anyway lots more details including an angry asian obgyn, poop, nurses who think it's appropriate to comment on my hair when I'm IN LABOUR, drug cocktails Hunter S. Thompson would be scared of, Shawn yelling "HOLY SHIT" , lots of green body fluid stuff (what? I'm not a doctor), tears, did I mention poop?, a ripped taint I didn't even NOTICE (that says something) and then BOOM .... the most awesome thing ever happened... my little monkey entered the world. I didn't split in half, I didn't disembowel myself, I didn't punch Shawn in the face, and I didn't bleed out. Instead I became "mommy"... the best moniker in any dialect.. even Dutch, and I hate the Dutch accent...
