Saturday, December 19, 2009

Can I just spray some PAM down there before the baby comes?

OOOkkkkaayyyy so.... after a long hiatus from this blogging thing, I have decided to come back. This time, with a different focus, for those of you totally out of the loop (not too many now) and for those of you who bother to read this (all-maybe 1 of you- Hi Shawn!) I am now pregnant. It was a weird thing to learn and even weirder thing to realize... and I am just starting to. There are so many things I'm learning/nobody told me (what IS that ooze that is ruining my underwear and why can't I breathe through my nose anymore and what do you mean I have my period for 4 weeks after???) and it's a slow but steady process- and unless you never want to eat again, I wouldn't ask me most of those answers... My brother once told me (him being a paramedic and all) that delivering babies was the grossest job he had, even counting the burn victims and the drunkards puking on him... and I fully agree. I am not one of those cute glowing pregnant woman with a bump, but instead a sweaty, constantly out of breath, behemoth that farts like a caveman/walrus, depending on whether my meal was bbq or seafood I suppose...

I am feeling the "magic" of the baby moving- which usually entails me jutting my legs out and yelling "ughhahhh" in my chair at work whenever baby decides to rummage around down there like an old man at the dump looking for the latest treasure/bike chain. Whenever I try to fall asleep it feels like baby is smacking me from the inside with said bike chain and I'm tempted/sometimes try to quash it by laying on my stomach and squeezing my snoogle pillow [a giant loch ness monster shaped pillow designed to minimize the agony or "discomfort" (I love marketing/hippies)] of trying to sleep at night and I groan until baby decides he has done enough internal damage to me that he can sleep now...

And forget sleeping really. It's out the window apparently for the next year. If I'm not sweating or choking on my own phlegm, or gagging, or have a giant headache for two weeks, I'm peeing. It's nature's way I suppose of getting my body ready for feeding every three hours... but you'd think Gaia would understand and want me to relax as much as possible- dirty bitch.

And the weight- my fingers are like sausages and I couldn't wear a wedding ring if I had one (forget about the odd comments the odd old cronies have said down here in Medicine Hat about that one)... My boobs are humongus and I didn't even know they could get that big! I'm like a porn star, they are huge and round and I haven't been that firm since I was 16... but they are sensitive as hell so nobody even gets to take advantage of it- especially me!

Sigh and the doctor app'ts... designed to make you feel like a giant cow. They poke and prod and sniff around down there and completely ignore my "um I have headaches and phlegm" comments completely with a wave of their hand in dismissal of it all being normal. I feel like shouting I AM NOT LIVESTOCK but am treated like one none the less. And this is where I turn "dirty hippy"... I have a few interviews with some doulas at the end of the month... the midwife thing is out the door- not from my fear of the pain or suffering, but the fact that they are all booked up until July... they are booked up before women even get pregnant apparently, so unless you have a planned pregnancy and hope you get pregnant in the right month, forget doing it with a midwife. So now I am going to try a Doula. I'd like a constant face around and all the stats including articles in Pub-Med say things like 50% less cesareans with doulas and 40% less epidurals with doulas... As of right now, I haven't had the same doctor once, I am scared to death of a c-section, even an epidural sounds scary to me- are you kidding- a NEEDLE IN MY SPINE!!!????- everyone keeps telling me that I need to just shut up and go to my doctor because I don't realize the pain I will be in when my vagina rips open and I'm a pussy yadda yadda... it seems as if absolutely everyone has an opinion on it- from my friends to my hairdresser, to my neighbours, to the woman in the store at the mall- JESUS- I appreciate the advice from most people- but I say "gulp- I'm going to try it dammit. I'm a woman, a strong woman- I went through a very painful 6 months of physio without any painkillers (I tried the T4's but they just made me sick after awhile and then I'd be too drugged up for walking anyway). I walked/jogged/waddled a half marathon with 4 blisters on the bottom on my foot that formed around 13km of a 21km trek and I winced through every step after- but it wasn't THAT bad, I had people tsk me for doing that for God's sake when all I've been trying to do is prevent myself from getting fat and diabetic really. Even the dr. gave me permission and said "honey don't worry- go run- it's not going to fall out"...

And to be straight up- all my experiences with my own health care practioners (except my family doctor-who unfortunately does not deliver babies) have been cold, callous, routine, non-personal experiences. In fact the appointments with my leg surgeon were callous, mean and almost derogatory and I haven't felt any better about the obgyns I've been meeting. And I'd like to have this be a better experience than that... I'd like to be able to scream and not told to shut up (my surgeon did that) and to be able to walk around... And my mom, her mom, her mom and the mom before that, as far as my ancestral line goes have had babies just fine without drugs... so I'm just saying I know I sound self righteous and I'm no hero or dirty hippy and I might be screaming for drugs but honestly...

I'd like to try.

Thursday, July 9, 2009



Where do I start? Where does one start from a life shattering event? Where and how do I pick the pieces back up again? I guess it's akin to having a tornado hit your house. One day you just start picking up one piece at a time and slowly mortaring it all together again... a slow, but steady progress, until you have your brick house back up again. It will never be the same... there will always be that crack in the foundation- damage. But it will be strong again, it will be able to withstand whatever life throws at it again, and you can make the little renovations to make sure it withstands the next tornado because now you know what it needs and where it's weak points are. It all depends on the time and care you take putting those bricks back. And that is how I will do it. Slowly and steady and strong.

Someone smarter then me once said "life is daily mediocrity with momentarily brief flashes of brillance". And I've discovered nothing more to be true. But I'm starting to love my days of working, coming home, going grocery shopping, cooking, biking, then sleeping... it's actually the most enjoyable, low stress lifestyle I've had in awhile and giving me lots of time to adapt and be strong.

I have the greatest, best friends in the entire world. I could not believe the support of people that I hadn't even spoke to really in years. It was like coming home again. Thank you to my beautiful friends from home who were there for me, you know who you are. I love you and appreciate you more then you could ever know. I can only hope I can be there for you as you were for me if you ever need it. 

I started by riding my bike to work everyday. Simple? Not so much for a girl who loves her late night Conan O'Brien and Stephen Colbert... but there is nothing nicer then an early morning bike ride to hear the birds and get the blood pumping. I almost am starting to feel self-righteous out there pedaling away while the huge doulies and diesels scream past me guzzling their gas and getting fatter... then I started biking after work. I biked the intimidating 20km out to echodale and it was beautiful. I loved it and it wasn't really that hard even. My ass was a little numb after - but I attribute that to it's size at the moment.

Now I'm back to running... some friends and I crazily signed ourselves up for a half marathon in Seattle in November... at my urging of course.  I am nuts.  It's hard work, but for the first time this week I could actually run up the coulee without stopping... quite a feat for me.  Also I was chosen as a torch bearer for the Olympics... so um I have to be able to run and not embarrass myself, which is usually the case.

And now I've signed myself up for boot camp.  It's an intense 5 day a week deal where I go with 10 or so other girls and run our asses off for an hour.  We have nutrition counselling and all that jazz too.  I have to write down everything I eat in a binder and keep track of myself... I guess if you have to be accountable for the oreo cookies you are more likely to eat one rather then an entire row.  

I've also signed myself up for the Ride to Conquer Cancer... it's 200km in two days.  The website says it's designed so that anyone with a moderate amount of training can do it.  I was angry.  Angry at cancer and angry at cancer centers, cancer doctors, cancer survivors, the whole thing... but I need to let go of that anger... let go of the need to hate people who talk about cures and hope... I need to believe that there is hope and that perhaps some families don't have to be torn apart too soon.  So I'm going to do it and hope that I make it and hope I raise the money... eek.

I'm the type of person that always needs a goal... It was school, then career, now what?... Now it's to be healthy and fit, truly enjoy and appreciate the people that love me and that I love back, the half marathon, the bike ride and attempt a triathlon. I didn't make it to the last one because I was in too much grief and my days of sitting on the bed massaging feet and talking about bbq sauce, his childhood, proper wines, photography, and whatever else I could possibly squeeze out of him (in the least time possible so as not to tire him out) before it was over...are over. So now I need to move. I need to move to keep myself strong and sane. To remind myself the sunrise is infite, regardless that we are not

Monday, March 2, 2009

what the frack?!

So it is t-minus 45 days to Vegas. And t-85 days to the triathlon. I am nowhere near my goals. Sigh. My running has been delayed by such things as schedule, family, general malaise, boy, swollen ankle, time, emotional overloads and coconut ice cream. I have signed up for a triathlon class that runs Mondays through the Running Room- so I go there and run and then head over to the pool for swimming- all in one night. Yikes. A wise man once told me that 3x a week is necessary for any sport to train and get good in it... well I'm only doing 2x swim, 1x run and 0x bike right now hahah... I want to start riding my bike to work but srsly- one hour is just too much in a cold March morning. It looks like these last 10 weeks have to be stepped right the hell up- jesus what have I done... I guess it's perfect distraction for me right now with all that's going on in my life.

Last week was a time trial and I managed to swim 1000m in 28 minutes- which is on the average to slightly slow side but I'm not concerned. I still have two months to kick that up and my goal is 26 minutes now! Which is apparently a decent time in the circuit!

It's the biking I'm terrified of- it's 21km up and down Groat Road 4x. Ugh. I'm going to go out and practice that this week once and see how I do- I am using my mountain bike and I'm sure I'll get laughed at a bit for it by the crazy serious triathlon people... but screw them. Everyone has to start somewhere and I'm working for the University this summer and making so little money it scares me...

Also- I'm working with Loons this summer (the birds not the mentally challenged) and I'm super excited. However, because of the lack of wildlife jobs (I was told by one company that they'd love to have me on but can't because their summer projects were all cancelled) and my lack of wanting to stay in this city- I'm announcing it here and proclaiming it for all the world "by this time next year I will be living in BC". I want to move to Vancouver Island- (I have ruled out any American states because of health care and the rare chance I'll get a job being a Canadian) all my life I have wanted to and for various reasons/boys that clearly did NOT deserve me/things I have stayed. Of course, this all depends on my father's health. But I figure he won't want to stand another winter in this right-wing godforsaken tundra anyway. Don't get me wrong- I love the ice skating and the skiing and the snowshoeing and the winter activities- but I'd love to be able to own a kayak and be able to use it more than twice a year or actually ride my bike to work and not worry about a massive truck plowing me over and not even seeing me...basically not because I hate the cold (I don't) but because I want to be able to be outdoors more!... also - I want to live by the ocean. I'm a dyed in the wool prairie girl but I do love the way the ocean smells...

Monday, January 26, 2009

Working on my Veg-ASS BABY!!

So I am finally back.  There was a bit of a personal setback in my life- but my family has steadied itself out and we are on a set course.  It's a completely different course than 6 months ago- but it's steady.  And I'm grateful for that.  So now, after the storm has calmed, I'm back at my swimming ventures.  I went back last week on the Monday- Wednesday was Kari's birthday- and was pretty shocked at how slow I had gotten.  Sigh.  But Erin harassed me enough via facebook and texting - that I decided it was high time I got back into it.  And I'm so happy I did.  I tend to quit things if I fall behind too much- I just always think it'll be too hard to catch up.  And I'm right.  But my Dad's been asking when my triathalon is and he intends on being there.  And godammit so do I.  I did a really slow 2minutes and 51 seconds 100m last week but I was actually kind of encouraged by that- AND after two and a half months- I DIDN'T feel like I was going to drown like the first few times- so that was awesome.  Tonight we did 400m of warmups then 16 x 50m broken into four groups.  So you do 1 x 50m slow, the next a little faster, the next faster and the last full out- four times.  Ugh.  THEN 3 x 150m with flippers... so my simple math skills are poor- but they are good enough to say that's a lot.  

On another unrelated note- Nicole's timeshare came through today and I'm off to Vegas in April for my 30th birthday... Jesus... I'm 30.  My slow decline into old age has started and it's the end of my youth... it feels kinda weird but I don't really dwell on it... I'm too excited for Vegas- I'M SOOOO EXCITED!!  It's pretty brutal.  But part of my encouragement for the swimming and the running again is the thought of the 25 degree weather and my ass in my unused bikini.  And I vow not to be unfit anymore.  I have always struggled with my weight- I've never been super skinny- and I like a bit of t and a but the last time I was in Vegas I was a wee smaller and felt better about myself so I intend on getting that back before I go!!!  I did NOT have anything bad to eat today at ALL!!  Not even coffee- I'm on tea at work and water and the odd apple juice.  Hmmmm apple juice- it may seem crazy but it's like crack to me.  I love it.   I really, really need to get on my bike and trainer though- I am not worried so much about the swimming anymore but I am super worried about the running because of my leg-- but also the biking-  I mean I CAN bike- but for how long and how far???  I need to make sure of that before I go... I only have a mountain bike and I was riding it to work and back last summer before I broke my leg- so about 22km a day so I know it's doable.  But I remember how hard it was the first couple times- mainly my ass.  With ALL this cushioning... biking still hurts my ass.  Weird.

And one more thing:  this timeshare has a kitchen and a pool and it's ON the strip.  We are going to go prettttty crazy I think.  I'm getting health insurance before I go.  Just in case...