Saturday, December 19, 2009

Can I just spray some PAM down there before the baby comes?


OOOkkkkaayyyy so.... after a long hiatus from this blogging thing, I have decided to come back. This time, with a different focus, for those of you totally out of the loop (not too many now) and for those of you who bother to read this (all-maybe 1 of you- Hi Shawn!) I am now pregnant. It was a weird thing to learn and even weirder thing to realize... and I am just starting to. There are so many things I'm learning/nobody told me (what IS that ooze that is ruining my underwear and why can't I breathe through my nose anymore and what do you mean I have my period for 4 weeks after???) and it's a slow but steady process- and unless you never want to eat again, I wouldn't ask me most of those answers... My brother once told me (him being a paramedic and all) that delivering babies was the grossest job he had, even counting the burn victims and the drunkards puking on him... and I fully agree. I am not one of those cute glowing pregnant woman with a bump, but instead a sweaty, constantly out of breath, behemoth that farts like a caveman/walrus, depending on whether my meal was bbq or seafood I suppose...

I am feeling the "magic" of the baby moving- which usually entails me jutting my legs out and yelling "ughhahhh" in my chair at work whenever baby decides to rummage around down there like an old man at the dump looking for the latest treasure/bike chain. Whenever I try to fall asleep it feels like baby is smacking me from the inside with said bike chain and I'm tempted/sometimes try to quash it by laying on my stomach and squeezing my snoogle pillow [a giant loch ness monster shaped pillow designed to minimize the agony or "discomfort" (I love marketing/hippies)] of trying to sleep at night and I groan until baby decides he has done enough internal damage to me that he can sleep now...

And forget sleeping really. It's out the window apparently for the next year. If I'm not sweating or choking on my own phlegm, or gagging, or have a giant headache for two weeks, I'm peeing. It's nature's way I suppose of getting my body ready for feeding every three hours... but you'd think Gaia would understand and want me to relax as much as possible- dirty bitch.

And the weight- my fingers are like sausages and I couldn't wear a wedding ring if I had one (forget about the odd comments the odd old cronies have said down here in Medicine Hat about that one)... My boobs are humongus and I didn't even know they could get that big! I'm like a porn star, they are huge and round and I haven't been that firm since I was 16... but they are sensitive as hell so nobody even gets to take advantage of it- especially me!

Sigh and the doctor app'ts... designed to make you feel like a giant cow. They poke and prod and sniff around down there and completely ignore my "um I have headaches and phlegm" comments completely with a wave of their hand in dismissal of it all being normal. I feel like shouting I AM NOT LIVESTOCK but am treated like one none the less. And this is where I turn "dirty hippy"... I have a few interviews with some doulas at the end of the month... the midwife thing is out the door- not from my fear of the pain or suffering, but the fact that they are all booked up until July... they are booked up before women even get pregnant apparently, so unless you have a planned pregnancy and hope you get pregnant in the right month, forget doing it with a midwife. So now I am going to try a Doula. I'd like a constant face around and all the stats including articles in Pub-Med say things like 50% less cesareans with doulas and 40% less epidurals with doulas... As of right now, I haven't had the same doctor once, I am scared to death of a c-section, even an epidural sounds scary to me- are you kidding- a NEEDLE IN MY SPINE!!!????- everyone keeps telling me that I need to just shut up and go to my doctor because I don't realize the pain I will be in when my vagina rips open and I'm a pussy yadda yadda... it seems as if absolutely everyone has an opinion on it- from my friends to my hairdresser, to my neighbours, to the woman in the store at the mall- JESUS- I appreciate the advice from most people- but I say "gulp- I'm going to try it dammit. I'm a woman, a strong woman- I went through a very painful 6 months of physio without any painkillers (I tried the T4's but they just made me sick after awhile and then I'd be too drugged up for walking anyway). I walked/jogged/waddled a half marathon with 4 blisters on the bottom on my foot that formed around 13km of a 21km trek and I winced through every step after- but it wasn't THAT bad, I had people tsk me for doing that for God's sake when all I've been trying to do is prevent myself from getting fat and diabetic really. Even the dr. gave me permission and said "honey don't worry- go run- it's not going to fall out"...

And to be straight up- all my experiences with my own health care practioners (except my family doctor-who unfortunately does not deliver babies) have been cold, callous, routine, non-personal experiences. In fact the appointments with my leg surgeon were callous, mean and almost derogatory and I haven't felt any better about the obgyns I've been meeting. And I'd like to have this be a better experience than that... I'd like to be able to scream and not told to shut up (my surgeon did that) and to be able to walk around... And my mom, her mom, her mom and the mom before that, as far as my ancestral line goes have had babies just fine without drugs... so I'm just saying I know I sound self righteous and I'm no hero or dirty hippy and I might be screaming for drugs but honestly...

I'd like to try.